Today is my sister Jeni’s birthday. She would have been 54. She would have liked the descending numbers of 5-4 and probably would have made a joke about “5-4-3-2-1 Blast Off!”
I miss her and am feeling pretty tender.
In addition to it being Jeni’s birthday, we got some bad health news about a beloved family member this week. As we are waiting for further test results, my sleep has been disrupted, my thinking is foggy, and I’m finding it difficult to focus.
My automatic response in situations like this is to “push through” and get on with things even though it’s hard.
And while that is certainly necessary at times, I want to be able to approach times like this with gentleness. I am still learning how to honor tenderness, and how to meet uncertainty and fear with compassion.
Many of us know on some level that compassion and loving kindness are useful (and research supports this). Can we remember to hold loving space in challenging times? How can we care for ourselves and others when plans go awry?
So I changed this month’s free class to The Art of Tenderness because I need it!
In this class, we’ll practice some gentle somatic techniques, and I’ll share research, resources, and ideas for cultivating tenderness.
If you could use a dose of gentle compassion I’d love for you to join us. You can register for the free class here.
Thank you for taking the time to read this and connect with me. I appreciate you. ❤️
Can’t make it to my free class this month? Here are some quick tips for soothing and self-care you can use right now — no special equipment needed!
Take a nature break. Research shows that connecting with nature has a host of beneficial effects on our mental and physical health — and that it only takes a few minutes to get those benefits flowing.
Being physically out in nature is the best, but even looking out the window, watching a nature video, listening to soothing natural sounds, or imagining your favorite natural setting can reduce stress and help settle your nervous system.
Here’s one example (there are lots of them!) of a video that can unlock the benefits of connecting with nature. https://youtu.be/N6-2fVsFV8E
Make tiny connections. We are wired to connect with other people and even brief connections can reduce stress. Take an extra couple seconds to make eye contact with, smile at, or even ask someone how their day is going. Positive interactions we have with other folks (or even our pets) tap into our need to belong and sends the signal that we are safe.
Laugh a little. Even a few minutes of laughter has a positive impact on our well-being. It’s not just that it feels good, it also engages our parasympathetic nervous system (aka “rest and digest” or “tend and befriend”) and reduces the stress hormone cortisol. Even better, you can get these effects by pretending to laugh! If you’re like me, you prefer an authentic laugh, but either way your body benefits. Here are a couple of my favorite laugh-inducing videos (most are at least in part because the person recording the video is laughing!).
In December I met with my transplant doc (whom I love. She is bright and funny and so interesting!). After our initial check-in, we reviewed my numbers. My labs are stable, my EF (ejection fraction) is holding steady in the mid 20s, and (drumroll please) my LVIDd (size of my heart) is down to 6.6 (from 7.2 last year)! I’m always at least a little anxious heading in to these appointments and was thrilled to get this good news.
After reviewing the numbers, Dr. Cogswell looked at me and asked, “How are you doing this?!? When I got my hands on you a couple years ago, I did not think you’d be sitting here without more stuff (meaning LVAD or someone else’s heart) inside you.” 😊
Part of “what I’m doing” is receiving excellent health care and having tons of resources and support in my life. And there is a level of privilege that comes with being a white, cis-gender, hetero, neurotypical, middle class, educated woman. So that’s a factor, too.
But another piece of “what I’m doing” is using the tools I’ve learned about through Positive Psychology. These are the tools I’m sharing in my classes each month! These simple techniques have changed my brain (for the better), improved my relationships, and helped me look for and find good things — even on my worst days.
My next class is coming up soon. It’s a free, online class and you can register here. I’d love to see you there!
Winter Survival: Soothing and Self-care Tuesday, January 18, 2022 7:00 – 8:00 PM
The other interesting thing about my visit with Dr. Cogswell is that, because things are going so well, we are now considering a new-ish valve-clip procedure that could potentially buy me another 5 years before transplant. Typically they don’t consider valve work in someone with long-term heart failure like mine (it tends to be the least of the concerns at that point)… but here we are! I meet with the valve specialist next month to talk about whether this would be a good fit for me. I will keep you posted!
All in all, I am over the moon with relief and joy and profound appreciation for all of the many, many people who play a role in my continued existence. If you are reading this, you are one of those folks and I appreciate you! Thank you. ❤️
I woke up in the wee hours of the morning on my birthday (Dec 23) and started thinking about all the things I appreciate about my life. Since this list would go on for pages and pages and pages, I decided to save us all a little time and limit it to 55. They are (in no particular order) as follows:
1) My heart. What a good little heart it is. Despite its limitations and challenges, it kept me going another year. Way to go, heart! ❤️ * Also this AMAZING heart Sarah crocheted for me! I love it so much.
2) My framily. The people in my life are among the funniest, sweetest, most generous, most talented, most thoughtful, most delightful people on the planet. I am not sure how I got so lucky, but I am grateful every day for my truly awesome friends and family.
3) My medical team. Holy moley. These folks are the best. Everyone I encounter from lab techs and transplant specialists to surgeons and on-call nurses is dedicated, talented, and a pleasure to work with.
4) Sarah and Mckenzie in all the ways. They are brilliant and beautiful.
5) And Katie and Cina. I mean, c’mon.
6) Did I mention Ida?
7) My parents. They brought me into the world and despite any number of threats, have not yet taken me out. 😆
8) Our cats. Funny, dopey, skittish or sweet, they make every day an adventure.
11) Coffee. No appreciation list is complete without mentioning this delicious elixir of life.
12) Chocolate.
13) Fruit.
14) Bread!
15) Brie!!
16) My ability to notice that I may be hungry (see above).
17) Sarah. She does get her own dedicated entry. But since we don’t have the time and space for me to adequately describe all the ways she makes my life better and all the ways she makes the world better and all the things I appreciate about her, I’ll just say that she is, in fact, the absolute best. And to be clear, I DO appreciate her more than brie. 😉
18) The bazillions of folks doing jobs that are so vital — from teaching, nursing, and staffing stores to hauling trash, delivering mail, and plowing snow. These jobs are often difficult, underpaid, and under-appreciated. And especially in this time of COVID, many of these folks are actually putting themselves at risk when they go to work. I am so grateful for the people who do all those things that make our lives possible.
19) Sunrises and sunsets. They just keep happening. I appreciate that certainty.
20) Markers and pencils and pens, oh my. Plus paint and glue and paper and googly eyes.
21) Tech things from my phone to my laptop to my pacemaker/ICD! Keeping me connected (and alive!) even when I don’t leave the house.
22) Warm blankets and soft pillows.
23) Running water.
24) Podcasts.
25) Books. Books. Books.
26) All. The. Colors.
27) Pretty much everything Ida says and does. (Just call it a fruit!)
28) Lists. Like this one.
29) My car! It keeps on working despite its elderly status. Yay, little Prius.
30) My sense of humor. I crack myself up. 😆
31) Other people who crack me up!
32) Rain.
33) Our patio.
34) Sunshine.
35) Holiday lights (which we will leave up well into next year).
36) Singing.
37) Um, these astonishing little sculptures Mckenzie made for Sarah and me.
38) Laughter! So. Much. Laughter. Every day in all the ways.
39) Candy. Because yum.
40) Plants in our house.
41) Our pollinator garden
42) Projects — planned, completed, and in progress.
43) My brain. What a miraculous little bugger she is.
44) Learning new stuff! All the stuff! (see above)
45) Games!
46) Nice lotion.
47) Sleeping.
48) SE therapy (and my most amazing therapist).
49) My birthday cake (aka chocolate mountain monster). PS it looks like this…but it tastes amazing!
50) Vaccines and researchers and smart people helping us navigate this COVID insanity.
For the past couple days, my prefrontal cortex has been trying to convince my limbic system that today’s ICD battery replacement surgery is no big deal. Mostly my nervous system has been winning. 😆
I am looking forward to getting home this evening when we’re all done! ❤️
…because there are a lot of things I can’t magically change about my circumstances — but I can have as much fun as possible with what I’ve got. And honestly, having a French ambulance racing around my heart is pretty fun. 😆
Come to my holiday happiness hacks class tomorrow to learn how to be delighted by things like — a pacemaker alarm*! (Or something more pertinent to your own life…) 😆
In the weeks leading to my sister’s deathiversary (November 6, 2018), I am pretty tender.
I know to expect this, but even so, I often find it challenging to accept the ways grief impacts my productivity, enthusiasm, and affect.
This year I’m trying something new. I just added an annual week-long event called “Griefies – be gentle” to my calendar. I think having this reminder show up on my phone every day might help me remember to allow myself to be how I am.
Hmmm. I do feel a little softer now, even thinking about being gentle.
It helps that I live with sweetness and gentleness around me all the time. Yesterday while I was carving my pumpkin (pics below), Ida, who had already completed hers, went off by herself for a little while. When she came back, she stuffed something in my pocket saying, “Nana, there’s a surprise in your pocket!”
Here’s what I pulled out.
So there’s that happening, too. 😊
I hope you are finding gentleness and sweetness and support for whatever you’re tender about right now. ❤️
I posted this photo of our late-blooming goldenrod a few weeks ago. The bees loved these flowers! I found 13 bees in this photo.
I promised I would post a pic with the bees I spotted (haha! spotted, then circled!), so here you go!
Most of our flowers are done for the season, but mums are holding steady — and our funny little snapdragons poked their heads up this week. I love our garden!
This summer we installed a patio in our front yard. I love this space so much!
Because I managed to land in the hospital just one day before our gravel and pavers were delivered (wah! 😩) my contribution to the physical work of building the patio was limited. Sarah and Mckenzie did ALL the hard work. I appreciate them so much! For my part, I did a lot of cheerleading, childcare, and chocolate dispensing. (Not really. I dispensed more freezies than chocolate. It was hot. 😉)
I knew this patio was going to be wonderful, but I didn’t realize how beneficial it would be for my well-being. Not only is it gorgeous (we have Sarah’s expert design eye and amazing muscles to thank for that!), but since we’re continuing to do social visits outdoors until kiddo is vaccinated, it is a magical place for connection, too.
One of my favorite activities during the past few weeks has been to watch the incredible bee activity on our late-blooming goldenrod. One day I counted more than 30 bees at one time! They are fascinating to watch.
Here’s a photo from of one of those days. It’s hard to see all the bees because they moved around so much. I found 13 in this photo. Can you find them? Can you find more!?!
(Naturally I also have an answer key to this bee puzzle with bees circled in red. 😆 I will publish that photo later this week.)
In other news, I’ve been busy as a bee taking UPenn courses for my certificate in Positive Psychology and EdX classes on Bridging Differences. I love learning new things. It makes my little brain so happy!
And, I am even happier that I get to share some of the science-based happiness hacks I’ve been learning in an upcoming workshop. Yay! I’ve missed connecting with you in workshops!
Rewire Your Brain: Happiness Hacks (before the holidays hit!)
Where: Online When: November 16th, 6:30-8:30 CT Cost: Pay what you want — suggested donation $50
Learn how to use your brain’s superpowers to make the best of any situation. (And yes, that includes hospital stays or holidays, family gatherings or family feuds.)
We have more control over how we experience our lives than it seems. Learn simple, science-based techniques you can use to make your joyful times more joyful and your challenging times less challenging.
seriouslyhappy2.com 