Appreciations+: Year 8 & beyond

DianaK

Playing my new game: Wheel Of Grief! Losing my dad, feeling tender, and reaching toward kindness and compassion

My dad died in April (obit is here) and I miss him in a hundred different ways. This photo was taken at a little resort up north where my extended family met for a week every summer — for 35 years.

One of the traditions we established was to hand out gag gifts at an “awards” ceremony at the end of the week. Here he is, sporting his gift with his usual good humor.

This is my first summer without my dad and it has been pretty rough.

My sister died a few years ago so I thought I knew what to expect this time around, but it turns out that every death, every loss, every grieving is unique. So I’m starting at square one, again. Which means, for me, more reading.

One of the most comforting books I’ve read this spring is the Welcome to the Grief Club by Janine Kwoh. This wonderfully wise and warm book contains gentle, bite-sized and friendly text and graphics — and it normalizes ALL the ways grief might show up. Reading (and re-reading and picking it up and putting it down) has been so helpful to me. I highly recommend it.

Another way I am coping with my grief is to talk about it. A lot. 

A few weeks ago I was talking to a friend about the unpredictable nature of grief and we came up with the idea that grief is like a game show: Wheel — Of — Grief! It’s not as much fun as the actual game show of similar title. Fewer fabulous prizes and fortune, for sure. 😆

But thinking of grief this way has helped me let go of the idea that I can plan for my emotional state on a given day or at a given time. 

Every morning I wake up and spin the Wheel of Grief. Some days I get “Feeling okay!” Other days I get “Cry on and off all day!” or “Lose your glasses. 300 times!” or “Forget what time (or day or month) it is!” 

Some days I spin the wheel all day long, bouncing from brain-foggy sadness to deep gratitude for the people in my life to irritability about all. the. things. 

During the first couple hours of today I felt lonely, anxious, okay, happy, silly, grateful, sad, focused, and exhausted. Then I ate breakfast.😳

I’m learning that no matter where the wheel lands, the more I can turn to my experience with compassion and kindness, the better it is for everyone. So that’s a thing I am working on.

I have the capacity to appreciate things today, so here’s what’s on the list.

Today I appreciate…

  • Sunshine and comfortable weather
  • The ease of making doctor appointments online
  • Open windows and song birds
  • Cool stuff I’m learning in the class The Neurobiology of Feeling Safe
  • Getting myself to cardiac rehab despite my exhaustion
  • Making cards to send to my friends
  • Going to bed before 10 pm 😊

Whatever your spin of the wheel gives you today, I am sending so much love and compassion your way. I hope you can feel it. ❤️

I wrote about some additional grief resources that have helped me in my July newsletter, which you can read here.

Here are a few of the cards I’ve been making as part of my meditation / soothing self-care. On the days when I don’t have the energy for making anything, I pop one of them in the mail to a friend. Both the making and the sharing are helping me get through my days.

DianaK

The small, but mighty protector who lives inside me!

One thing I have learned about having a chronic illness is to expect the unexpected. I mean, I never really DO expect it, but wouldn’t it be fantastic if I did?!? 😆

This week the small and mighty superhero who lives inside me (it’s my pacemaker / ICD) did a fantastic job of keeping me alive. I love that!

On Wednesday, I had an episode of V-tach (heart rate spike) and after I passed out, my darling device zapped my heart and said, “Tut, tut. None of that now. Settle down.” And then my heart said, “Oh, okay.” and did. Settle down, that is.

I’m home from the hospital. I’m fine. You can read more on Caring Bridge here.

In addition to not driving for 3 months, I will be leaning into asking for help, feeling the love and support around me, and appreciating what I have. And refreshing my Art of Appreciation class coming up on April 12th. I’ll have some fresh new examples of how it can work! 😆

Today I appreciate the darling people in my life who bring me flowers, offers me rides, give me space to rant and rave and cry, and who make teeny tiny cards for me. You make my life feel magical and so full of love. ❤️

DianaK

Quick Tips for Soothing and Self-care

Can’t make it to my free class this month? Here are some quick tips for soothing and self-care you can use right now — no special equipment needed!

Take a nature break. Research shows that connecting with nature has a host of beneficial effects on our mental and physical health — and that it only takes a few minutes to get those benefits flowing.

Being physically out in nature is the best, but even looking out the window, watching a nature video, listening to soothing natural sounds, or imagining your favorite natural setting can reduce stress and help settle your nervous system.

Here’s one example (there are lots of them!) of a video that can unlock the benefits of connecting with nature. https://youtu.be/N6-2fVsFV8E

Make tiny connections. We are wired to connect with other people and even brief connections can reduce stress. Take an extra couple seconds to make eye contact with, smile at, or even ask someone how their day is going. Positive interactions we have with other folks (or even our pets) tap into our need to belong and sends the signal that we are safe.

Laugh a little. Even a few minutes of laughter has a positive impact on our well-being. It’s not just that it feels good, it also engages our parasympathetic nervous system (aka “rest and digest” or “tend and befriend”) and reduces the stress hormone cortisol. Even better, you can get these effects by pretending to laugh! If you’re like me, you prefer an authentic laugh, but either way your body benefits. Here are a couple of my favorite laugh-inducing videos (most are at least in part because the person recording the video is laughing!).

What are your favorite places to find laughs? I’d love to hear from you!

DianaK

Happy Little Heart News!

In December I met with my transplant doc (whom I love. She is bright and funny and so interesting!). After our initial check-in, we reviewed my numbers. My labs are stable, my EF (ejection fraction) is holding steady in the mid 20s, and (drumroll please) my LVIDd (size of my heart) is down to 6.6 (from 7.2 last year)! I’m always at least a little anxious heading in to these appointments and was thrilled to get this good news.

After reviewing the numbers, Dr. Cogswell looked at me and asked, “How are you doing this?!? When I got my hands on you a couple years ago, I did not think you’d be sitting here without more stuff (meaning LVAD or someone else’s heart) inside you.” 😊

Part of “what I’m doing” is receiving excellent health care and having tons of resources and support in my life. And there is a level of privilege that comes with being a white, cis-gender, hetero, neurotypical, middle class, educated woman. So that’s a factor, too.

But another piece of “what I’m doing” is using the tools I’ve learned about through Positive Psychology. These are the tools I’m sharing in my classes each month! These simple techniques have changed my brain (for the better), improved my relationships, and helped me look for and find good things — even on my worst days.

My next class is coming up soon. It’s a free, online class and you can register here. I’d love to see you there!

Winter Survival: Soothing and Self-care
Tuesday, January 18, 2022
7:00 – 8:00 PM

This class is offered free via zoom

REGISTER HERE

The other interesting thing about my visit with Dr. Cogswell is that, because things are going so well, we are now considering a new-ish valve-clip procedure that could potentially buy me another 5 years before transplant. Typically they don’t consider valve work in someone with long-term heart failure like mine (it tends to be the least of the concerns at that point)… but here we are! I meet with the valve specialist next month to talk about whether this would be a good fit for me. I will keep you posted!

All in all, I am over the moon with relief and joy and profound appreciation for all of the many, many people who play a role in my continued existence. If you are reading this, you are one of those folks and I appreciate you! Thank you. ❤️

DianaK

55 Things I appreciate (a couple days after my 55th birthday)

I woke up in the wee hours of the morning on my birthday (Dec 23) and started thinking about all the things I appreciate about my life. Since this list would go on for pages and pages and pages, I decided to save us all a little time and limit it to 55. They are (in no particular order) as follows:

1) My heart. What a good little heart it is. Despite its limitations and challenges, it kept me going another year. Way to go, heart! ❤️
* Also this AMAZING heart Sarah crocheted for me! I love it so much.

2) My framily. The people in my life are among the funniest, sweetest, most generous, most talented, most thoughtful, most delightful people on the planet. I am not sure how I got so lucky, but I am grateful every day for my truly awesome friends and family.

3) My medical team. Holy moley. These folks are the best. Everyone I encounter from lab techs and transplant specialists to surgeons and on-call nurses is dedicated, talented, and a pleasure to work with.

4) Sarah and Mckenzie in all the ways. They are brilliant and beautiful.

5) And Katie and Cina. I mean, c’mon.

6) Did I mention Ida?

7) My parents. They brought me into the world and despite any number of threats, have not yet taken me out. 😆

8) Our cats. Funny, dopey, skittish or sweet, they make every day an adventure.

9) Our chickens. Dopey, yet brilliant, egg-laying weirdos.

10) Eggs.

11) Coffee. No appreciation list is complete without mentioning this delicious elixir of life. 

12) Chocolate.

13) Fruit.

14) Bread!

15) Brie!!

16) My ability to notice that I may be hungry (see above).

17) Sarah. She does get her own dedicated entry. But since we don’t have the time and space for me to adequately describe all the ways she makes my life better and all the ways she makes the world better and all the things I appreciate about her, I’ll just say that she is, in fact, the absolute best. And to be clear, I DO appreciate her more than brie. 😉

18) The bazillions of folks doing jobs that are so vital — from teaching, nursing, and staffing stores to hauling trash, delivering mail, and plowing snow. These jobs are often difficult, underpaid, and under-appreciated. And especially in this time of COVID, many of these folks are actually putting themselves at risk when they go to work. I am so grateful for the people who do all those things that make our lives possible. 

19) Sunrises and sunsets. They just keep happening. I appreciate that certainty.

20) Markers and pencils and pens, oh my. Plus paint and glue and paper and googly eyes.

21) Tech things from my phone to my laptop to my pacemaker/ICD! Keeping me connected (and alive!) even when I don’t leave the house.

22) Warm blankets and soft pillows.

23) Running water. 

24) Podcasts.

25) Books. Books. Books.

26) All. The. Colors.

27) Pretty much everything Ida says and does. (Just call it a fruit!)

28) Lists. Like this one.

29) My car! It keeps on working despite its elderly status. Yay, little Prius.

30) My sense of humor. I crack myself up. 😆

31) Other people who crack me up!

32) Rain.

33) Our patio.

34) Sunshine.

35) Holiday lights (which we will leave up well into next year).

36) Singing.

37) Um, these astonishing little sculptures Mckenzie made for Sarah and me.

38) Laughter! So. Much. Laughter. Every day in all the ways.

39) Candy. Because yum.

40) Plants in our house.

41) Our pollinator garden

42) Projects — planned, completed, and in progress.

43) My brain. What a miraculous little bugger she is. 

44) Learning new stuff! All the stuff! (see above)

45) Games!

46) Nice lotion.

47) Sleeping.

48) SE therapy (and my most amazing therapist).

49) My birthday cake (aka chocolate mountain monster). PS it looks like this…but it tastes amazing!

50) Vaccines and researchers and smart people helping us navigate this COVID insanity.

51) My work. I love the stuff I’m doing.

52) Making cards. I find this absurdly pleasing.

53) Humming.

54) Hummingbirds.

55) Birds. They are real.

DianaK

Final French Ambulance Call!

For the past couple days, my prefrontal cortex has been trying to convince my limbic system that today’s ICD battery replacement surgery is no big deal. Mostly my nervous system has been winning. 😆

I am looking forward to getting home this evening when we’re all done! ❤️

DianaK

More French ambulance fun

…because there are a lot of things I can’t magically change about my circumstances — but I can have as much fun as possible with what I’ve got. And honestly, having a French ambulance racing around my heart is pretty fun. 😆

DianaK

Tender November

In the weeks leading to my sister’s deathiversary (November 6, 2018), I am pretty tender.

I know to expect this, but even so, I often find it challenging to accept the ways grief impacts my productivity, enthusiasm, and affect.

This year I’m trying something new. I just added an annual week-long event called “Griefies – be gentle” to my calendar. I think having this reminder show up on my phone every day might help me remember to allow myself to be how I am.

Hmmm. I do feel a little softer now, even thinking about being gentle.

It helps that I live with sweetness and gentleness around me all the time. Yesterday while I was carving my pumpkin (pics below), Ida, who had already completed hers, went off by herself for a little while. When she came back, she stuffed something in my pocket saying, “Nana, there’s a surprise in your pocket!”

Here’s what I pulled out.

So there’s that happening, too. 😊

I hope you are finding gentleness and sweetness and support for whatever you’re tender about right now. ❤️

DianaK

October appreciations

There is so much I appreciate every day. Even during our cold and rainy days this week, the beauty of this season dazzles me. And then out comes the sun. Wowsa! Plus, way to go snapdragons. 😄