Today is the first day since Jeni died that I am feeling like the world makes sense in any way and that I will surely be able to get through this day, at least.

Spending 5 hours with Pam yesterday did so much to restore me. During her long day of appointments, we talked and giggled and sang and smiled and the world (for me) started to seem right-ish again. We encountered so many people and stories and lives as we moved through the day. Pam brings out the very, very best in the people around her — me included. I haven’t clowned like that in ages!

We sang to an elevator full of people, did numerous renditions of her patient account number ditty, encouraged a CT tech to call Pam “Snookems” — which she did! We even inspired a patient to approach us from across the room to let us know how our energy was making her day better. And when we handed her a pad of Appointment Fun bingo cards as a gift, her eyes shone and she told us we had made her day. Guess what? She made our day, too.

We had the most glorious day, the crowning jewel of which was fantastic news from the tests! Thank you, Pam, for sharing yourself and your day with me. You are love. ❤️

While I’m in this mood, I thought it’d be a good time to think through what I appreciate about the past two weeks. Since Jeni’s death, it’s been harder for me to concentrate on what is good, although sparks of joy and goodness do show up in every day. Here are some of those good things.

Jeni’s beautiful, loving, heart-breaking memorial
Heidi and Alison brought stories of Jeni to life in the most amazing way. We got to see so much of what we all loved about Jeni and sharing that joy and loss with so many people was terrible and wonderful.

Peggy’s gorgeous performance of the Over the Rainbow-It’s a Wonderful World medley. Stunning. And I will even forgive the substitution of “what a wonderful girl” that made me cry my face right off. It was beautiful. Jeni would have loved it. ❤️

Seeing 180+ faces of people who loved Jeni, who love me and my family, and who share our pain and are willing to show up to care for us was humbling and awe-inspiring. Thank you to everyone who held us in their love that day especially.

The memorial booklets for Jeni. I’m so grateful to Sarah & Ivan (and everyone who shared stories) for their help putting them together. It was fantastic to see the piles disappear so quickly. * We will be printing more, so please let me or my folks know if you’d like a copy!

So. Much. Love. The depth and breadth and variety of love pouring in is staggering. I am so grateful to be part of a community of people who take such beautiful care of each other. In between moments of rage and sorrow, I am filled with gratitude and love for the people around me.

Also…
Super hero chicken socks! Debb, besides showing up in a thousand other ways, gave me the best pair of socks ever. What a joyful moment of silliness during a good, but long day. Thanks, cuz.