I haven’t been posting much lately because my little sister is in the final stages of cancer and loving and saying goodbye to her is my focus these days. As we are heading in to her final weeks, I am overcome by sorrow, joy, love, humility, laughter & tears — sometimes in succession, sometimes all at once.

I think saying goodbye is one of the most challenging parts of being human. And throughout these past few months, I have felt the pain of it wholly and completely. And at the same time, I’ve had flashes of so much joy, and have found so much to appreciate that I’m a little bit in awe of what a spectacular thing it is to be alive and to feel.

One of my favorite things during this time has been noticing (and of course appreciating) that the gratitude neural pathways in my brain are so well-established that my silly brain goes out and finds things to appreciate even in the midst of the worst of this.

Here are some of the things that saying goodbye to Jeni has made me appreciate…

My family’s resilience, connectedness, and love.

Our sense of humor. Holy mackerel has THAT come in handy! 😄

Jeni’s clarity, persistence, and spunk. I have learned a LOT from my kid sister…even if it has taken a few decades for some of it to sink in. 😉

Sharing memories of Jeni with her and seeing a light of recognition now and then. Being able to connect even through the haze of pain and meds.

The unbelievably deep love I feel from the people around me. I may be ragged and raw, but I feel the support and love of my people all the time. All the time. All. The. Time. ❤️

PCAs, hospice workers, and group home staff. What a gift they give in the work they do. I cannot imagine doing it, nor can I imagine getting through this time without their beautiful and generous energy.

Soft tissues. By the truckload.

4-year old sweet snuggles and offers of stuffed animals every single time I cry. Heart-melting.

Roomies who take care of me in so many ways. All the ways. I would be a very hungry caterpillar without them.

The Finnish Death Cleaning (my version of Swedish Death Cleaning) I’ve been doing. Every time I need a break from crying, I turn my energies to vigorously cleaning and organizing my house. It looks freaking great right now. 😁