Shawn Colvin’s Holiday Songs & Lullabies playing while I sit in the early morning darkness illuminated only by holiday lights.

The latest addition to our plant family, Horace the puppy plant.

The return to some of my regular routines, like breakfast art for Ida. ❤️

Finding comfort in remembering Jeni’s enthusiastic loving & helpful energy and pouring that energy into Seriously Happy tasks. Makes my work feel both satisfying and soothing.

So many expressions of love. Everything from Sarah scraping my car to messages from people checking in to generous and patient clients. Truly amazing.

Dinner & games with the family last night. So lovely to see Katie & Cina!

New flowers for Jeni’s corner. It’s so comforting to be reminded of her throughout my day. ✨✨✨

Even though I’m still grieving, there are still lots of seriously happy moments in my days. I’m excited to be sending out more donations today, planning the release of our Chemo Appointment Fun bingo cards, as well as getting a few neat gifty-type things ready for the holidays.

If you like to be the first to learn stuff or play with stuff or try out new stuff, become a Seriously Happy patron! Sharing this kind of joy really does make me happy. Seriously. 😉

Today is the first day since Jeni died that I am feeling like the world makes sense in any way and that I will surely be able to get through this day, at least.

Spending 5 hours with Pam yesterday did so much to restore me. During her long day of appointments, we talked and giggled and sang and smiled and the world (for me) started to seem right-ish again. We encountered so many people and stories and lives as we moved through the day. Pam brings out the very, very best in the people around her — me included. I haven’t clowned like that in ages!

We sang to an elevator full of people, did numerous renditions of her patient account number ditty, encouraged a CT tech to call Pam “Snookems” — which she did! We even inspired a patient to approach us from across the room to let us know how our energy was making her day better. And when we handed her a pad of Appointment Fun bingo cards as a gift, her eyes shone and she told us we had made her day. Guess what? She made our day, too.

We had the most glorious day, the crowning jewel of which was fantastic news from the tests! Thank you, Pam, for sharing yourself and your day with me. You are love. ❤️

While I’m in this mood, I thought it’d be a good time to think through what I appreciate about the past two weeks. Since Jeni’s death, it’s been harder for me to concentrate on what is good, although sparks of joy and goodness do show up in every day. Here are some of those good things.

Jeni’s beautiful, loving, heart-breaking memorial
Heidi and Alison brought stories of Jeni to life in the most amazing way. We got to see so much of what we all loved about Jeni and sharing that joy and loss with so many people was terrible and wonderful.

Peggy’s gorgeous performance of the Over the Rainbow-It’s a Wonderful World medley. Stunning. And I will even forgive the substitution of “what a wonderful girl” that made me cry my face right off. It was beautiful. Jeni would have loved it. ❤️

Seeing 180+ faces of people who loved Jeni, who love me and my family, and who share our pain and are willing to show up to care for us was humbling and awe-inspiring. Thank you to everyone who held us in their love that day especially.

The memorial booklets for Jeni. I’m so grateful to Sarah & Ivan (and everyone who shared stories) for their help putting them together. It was fantastic to see the piles disappear so quickly. * We will be printing more, so please let me or my folks know if you’d like a copy!

So. Much. Love. The depth and breadth and variety of love pouring in is staggering. I am so grateful to be part of a community of people who take such beautiful care of each other. In between moments of rage and sorrow, I am filled with gratitude and love for the people around me.

Also…
Super hero chicken socks! Debb, besides showing up in a thousand other ways, gave me the best pair of socks ever. What a joyful moment of silliness during a good, but long day. Thanks, cuz.

We’ve always known that Jeni brightened the days and lives of everyone she knew, and the wonderful stories we’re hearing from people those people (us included!) makes it impossible to think of her without smiling…Even if it is through a few tears.

I’m sure Jeni would want her memorial service to comfort, console, and even delight those of us who are adjusting to life without her here among us. We will share stories and tears and laughter as we remember our smart, spunky, supremely loving girl. Please join us.

Jeni’s Memorial Service
Friday, November 16, 2018
11:00 AM
Family will greet friends one hour before the memorial service

Portland Avenue United Methodist Church
8000 Portland Avenue
Bloomington, MN 55420

You can read Jeni’s obituary here.

Fun and supremely pleasing pumpkin carving. I’d seen Jeni earlier in the day and had no carving inspiration, so I snarkily said, “I’m just going to jab it full of holes” … and then I did! Oooooh was that ever satisfying! (Okay, I used a drill for some of the larger holes, but it was still fun!)

Pumpkin artist credits:
Haunted Doll Watch – Mckenzie
Magic Dragon – Sarah
Large Shapes with Holes – Ida
Grief Rage Pumpkin – me 😁

The spectacular joy of Halloween spent with our dearest friends in their very Halloween-y neighborhood filled with kids and families and fun.

The silly sadness of Sarah’s darling 20 year-old cat, whom we now affectionately refer to as Zombie Death Kitty. She really embraced the Halloween spirit this year…

I haven’t been posting much lately because my little sister is in the final stages of cancer and loving and saying goodbye to her is my focus these days. As we are heading in to her final weeks, I am overcome by sorrow, joy, love, humility, laughter & tears — sometimes in succession, sometimes all at once.

I think saying goodbye is one of the most challenging parts of being human. And throughout these past few months, I have felt the pain of it wholly and completely. And at the same time, I’ve had flashes of so much joy, and have found so much to appreciate that I’m a little bit in awe of what a spectacular thing it is to be alive and to feel.

One of my favorite things during this time has been noticing (and of course appreciating) that the gratitude neural pathways in my brain are so well-established that my silly brain goes out and finds things to appreciate even in the midst of the worst of this.

Here are some of the things that saying goodbye to Jeni has made me appreciate…

My family’s resilience, connectedness, and love.

Our sense of humor. Holy mackerel has THAT come in handy! 😄

Jeni’s clarity, persistence, and spunk. I have learned a LOT from my kid sister…even if it has taken a few decades for some of it to sink in. 😉

Sharing memories of Jeni with her and seeing a light of recognition now and then. Being able to connect even through the haze of pain and meds.

The unbelievably deep love I feel from the people around me. I may be ragged and raw, but I feel the support and love of my people all the time. All the time. All. The. Time. ❤️

PCAs, hospice workers, and group home staff. What a gift they give in the work they do. I cannot imagine doing it, nor can I imagine getting through this time without their beautiful and generous energy.

Soft tissues. By the truckload.

4-year old sweet snuggles and offers of stuffed animals every single time I cry. Heart-melting.

Roomies who take care of me in so many ways. All the ways. I would be a very hungry caterpillar without them.

The Finnish Death Cleaning (my version of Swedish Death Cleaning) I’ve been doing. Every time I need a break from crying, I turn my energies to vigorously cleaning and organizing my house. It looks freaking great right now. 😁